Green Room Review

Green Room is the kind of movie written by those McHipsters you see in Trader Joe’s who used be into hardcore-straight-edge-punk-rock and also want to be Wes Anderson on a shoestring budget.

But maybe with a mohawk and thicker glasses.

Either they spent their entire $5M paying off gullible, tasteless critics or they marketed to people who like movies featuring sensitive raspy-voiced tree-hugging ex-baristas who regret shooting unfathomably moronic neo-nazis that just walk around doing busy work.

This movie is so overhyped I can’t believe it was at cannes and not some kid’s make-shift drive-in theater projecting onto the side of their parent’s house. The tension really comes from anticipating whether someone is going to apologize for doing nothing then get killed, or if the antagonists will suddenly gain more intelligence than the voice-recognition systems you have to deal with when you call customer service.

“I’m sorry, can you please repeat that?”

NEO-NAZIS

Why does Patrick Stewart’s character, leader of some neo-nazi warehouse music scene-gang thing (what is this place anyway?), keep changing orders about killing the punks once the police leave? His greatest threat, the police, have left. Why does it matter if the punks get bit by dogs or “not shot in the bone” or whatever weird ways he randomly decides they shouldn’t die? I can answer that. Because it actually doesn’t matter since they try to just shoot them later anyway by sending in his top “assassin” who finds out his girlfriend was cheating on him or trying leave the gang, or whatever unclear mess that was…

Maybe I’m just stupid but that whole plot sounds a bit forced…

If you own a compound on many acres of land in some forest in Oregon (or Washington?) and it takes the police of a rural area 30 minutes to get there, why are you worried about their bodies? You could just do the woodchipper thing from Fargo, melt them like in Breaking Bad, and now you got some mulch for your weed crops or whatever Neo-Nazis farm on their weird cult compounds. And how come a wounded group of pathetic, half starved hipsters are able to kill so many of these neo-nazis, who could literally blow up half the country side if they wanted? Oh right, they stood around and DID NOTHING. They sent one or two guys in at a time, who then also DID NOTHING. They did nothing but suck and die. Why not send in like 5 dudes, with guns, and just shoot the place up? I think they’re turkeys…

Turkeys supposedly drown in the rain.

Hipster Punks

I can’t comprehend why so many people like a movie where the protagonists are literally TOO STUPID TO LIVE. Yes, this movie has a lot of suspense but it’s the sort of suspense where someone mindlessly walks into a war zone and everything start blowing up around them and you’re wondering ‘when are they going to die?’ From the beginning they realize they’re short on cash and have to take this neo-nazi gig. Now if you’re an average person with common sense, you’d probably realize you shouldn’t tell nazi punks to “fuck off” as one of your songs, especially if you’re surrounded by them at their own compound. Forget not getting paid for being a moron, what about their reputation for things like… violence?

The smart thing to do here is to tell these gentlemen to fuck off. Right?

Honestly the movie becomes a blur of stupidity and unbelievable acts of divine intervention at that point. It aimlessly progresses until the director realized it needs an ending somehow and thought he’ll just do the scene from Inglorious Bastard where the Americans shoot the Nazis in the theater.

Like this but very, very, very boring
VERDICT: UNACCEPTABLE WASTE OF TIME

The only respectable parts of this movie are the acting, the cinematography, and the marketing. I don’t know why people are marveled at the gore effects, they’re pretty basic expectations, it’s not the 1980’s anymore and audiences should have higher expectations for this stuff… The whole cut up arm thing was predictable and somehow duct tape fixes cut arteries and cartilage, I’ll tell surgeons they can quit because I’m going to Home Depot for now on. I don’t see any justifying this movie. Some people say it’s a tribute to other horror films, others say you have to say it’s good because one of the actors died this year, but personally I think it’s because they just don’t like Nazis and they love thinking that a Barista hipster could totally kill a bunch of baddies. In sum, the characters were spectacularly inept, and the plot looked like a five year old’s crayon drawing of a complex highway system.

Yea that looks like plot! Much better than architectural designers.