True Detective S2 E1 Review (Spoilers, kind of)

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Truly Boring Detective

I have to come clean officer, I could not finish the first episode, and if that’s a crime you’d better ask someone who isn’t Vince Vaughn or the scrubbing bubbles guy to lock me up.

Honestly though, I had high hopes and I don’t know who to blame for allowing the showrunners of every CSI franchise to ghostwrite this abomination. Maybe I feel betrayed by Cary Fukunaga (because he’s not directing), maybe I feel betrayed by whoever casted this thing (seriously they casted Owen Wilson’s undeveloped conjoined twin, I’m waiting for Ben Stiller to pop out), or maybe I feel betrayed by Nic Pizzolatto (who created the series) for writing 8 episodes the night before like my senior thesis.

Definitely all those things, but especially the latter. They replaced Fukunaga with the guy who directed Community… they have Vince “Not the sham-wow guy” Vaughn and Colin “1 in every 10 films I do is actually good” Farrell as leads… they cast some other people (Rachael McAdams who I think was in Mean Girls with Lindsey Lohan) who seem to be there to clutter up an already boring mess. If any of that is remotely tolerable, which it isn’t, the writing is pure 100% unadulterated expresso organic shite, and yes I mean to pronounce Shit like her majesty would have.

The version with Seth Rogen was better.
The version with Seth Rogen was better.

I’m starting believe that Nic Pizzolatto is one of those guys who was lucky in his career because I would call shenanigans if I heard anyone say they were personally able to convince HBO to let them write single handedly an 8 episode series after only writing two episodes for Kevin Bacon’s The Killing (and then quitting in a bitch fit) (Pizzalot also wrote a book that french people liked apparently…)

Pizza-lotto really wrote “Never do anything out of hunger, not even eat.” as dialogue in this episode and Vince Vaughn delivered it just as awkwardly as it sounds.

It looked sort of like this.
It looked sort of like this.

Let me recap this montage of Laguna Beach: Boring Detective: The Real OC/SVU/NCSI:Los Angeles

INTRO: Ah look the really neat detective noir intro, but wait somethings wrong. Rather than a fitting song by The Handsome Family like last season I hear some old man talking about getting screwed over at a lemonade stand or something? Weird. Okay maybe it’s just bad music choice.

OPENING: Huh, the dialogue with these characters is really… on the nose… This sounds like one of those scripts interns scrap the second they read page one. It’d be a good idea if they opened with Colin Farrell telling his pudgy ginger “son” that he worries about him getting bullied at school and that he loves him and to stay strong! Oh wait, he literally said that word for word… And it was a terrible idea…

Now this is where it gets confusing. There’s about 20 minutes of setup for more characters and we have no idea who’s important, what’s important, and why 10 of that 20 minutes is just tense orchestral music with more Laguna Beach-esque panoramas of LA highways. I won’t even go into Rachael McAdams character’s “Plot” which involves a kooky sister with blue hair who strips (good strong female plot, check!). Then something about a police guy getting a “favor” from some house-arrested actress he pulled over. Now everyone is just kind of looking at things like Ryan Gosling in Drive… OH SHIT HERE COMES THE SERIES PLOT, WHAT CAN IT BE?

newspaper2-700x340CITY CORRUPTION!!!

Yup. Season 2 is about city corruption. That happens in detective noir films about LA? Every cliche overdone detective film about LA involves police corruption? Oh right, it does that’s true… See at least last season I could feel scared that satanists or weirdos were going to come out of nowhere and abduct someone or mutilate something. What do I have to worry about this season? BJ’s and parking meter bribes apparently.

If Vaughn/Farrell did this the show would be saved.
The Parking Meter Fairy: If Vaughn/Farrell did this the show would be saved.

I can go on about all the particular and boring details like Al Gore on global warming, but there’s no point because everyone already knows the result, dirty acid rain from the sky- I mean cliche drama and boring characters. Nic Pizzalot is too far out of his element. At least season one was developed from his own experiences in Louisiana, this was like he just watched LA Confidential halfway through and came too close to a deadline.

Even Colin Farrell was disappointed, or fell asleep. Both work actually.
Even Colin Farrell was disappointed, or fell asleep. Either way…

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